Wednesday October 15 8:30pm
Mom came home today. The trip went smoothly and she is settled in. It’s so much more peaceful at home than at the hospital. She is set up in the sunroom adjacent to the kitchen at my parent’s house. It’s a really nice room with a beautiful view of my parent’s back yard and lots of light. She has a morphine patch and has seemed very comfortable all day...just sleeping peacefully. The live-in nurse met us at the hospital to accompany her home and seems really nice. We also met with the Hospice nurse and got a better idea of what to expect as the time draws near.

Bill is taking the girls up to Deep Creek Lake in Maryland for the next 4 days for the annual fall trip with his family. It’ll be good for the girls to be distracted by their cousins. Having me away so much has been really tough on Becca. Savannah is somewhat insulated from everything going on because she is in school all day and I’ve tried to be home in the mornings and evenings as much as possible. Becca, on the other hand, has been bounced around to so many people the past couple weeks. The lack of routine and normalcy is taking its toll. She’s normally very easy, smiley and agreeable but has seemed sad and angry the past several days. I know she’ll bounce back once I’m more available to her but it’s hard to see her like that when I know it’s a direct result of my absence. But I also know that I’m doing what I have to right now, as much for myself, as for Mom.

I'll be staying at my parent's house until they return on Sunday. Darren, my Dad and my Aunt Shirley (mom's sister) are also there. After that I'll have Becca with me over there during the day so hopefully I can fill up her "Mommy tank" pretty quickly.

Right now, the girls do not know that their Nana will not recover. So far we’ve just told them that she is very sick. If Mom makes it through the weekend we plan on telling them after they return what is likely to happen. I have no idea what to expect from them when they hear the news. Mom has been a part of their daily lives as long as they’ve been alive. She injected so much love, fun, attention, generosity and “carefreeness” into their lives. The loss will be significant but kids also process things in such unusual ways so I don’t know how they will react initially and then subsequently in the upcoming months.

I’m doing ok. At times I’m overcome with sadness and despair and at other times I feel ok. I’ve heard this is normal and a cycle that will continue for awhile. Luckily, when I’m home with the kids I’m distracted enough to hold it together most of the time. But at night, after they go to bed, the waves seem to hit me. Bill is wonderful…so comforting, wise, loving, and real. His ability to allow me to grieve but also lift me up with just the right words and insights is amazing. This would be a thousand times harder without him. I am very lucky. I know I'll be ok in the long run and I also made sure Mom knew this when she was still lucid.