It's been almost 2 months now since my mom died. And, just as those who have lost someone close to them told me, it is getting easier. Overall, I've been far more "functional" than I expected to be. When my mom's cancer first came back, and I found out her condition would eventually be terminal, I envisioned myself to be complelety incapacited by the grief of losing her. But it hasn't been like that at all. I have some very sad times, but I'm not sad overall. In fact, I'm happy much of the time.

There is so much to be thankful for.

First and foremost I'm thankful to have had the relationship I had with her. The mother-daughter relationship can be so complex, which in turn can make grieving complex as well. But, my relationship with my mom wasn't complex...it was simple. Despite our obvious personality differences (she was much more laid back than me and never as punctual as I would have liked!) we got along so well. She was always so good to me, I loved being with her, and I loved having her as my best friend. I have no regrets and she didn't either. And I also know how unique that is and how lucky I was to have that relationship with her.

I'm thankful that she felt so good for the first 2 years following her rediganosis. We always had fun together, but especially those 2 years. From the big things (trips to the beach, Disney World, Disney Cruise, last minute trip to Florida, etc.) to the small things (having lunch together, going to shows with the kids, etc.) we squeezed out every second we could and made the most of it. A couple months after her redignosis in 2006, I was able to put the anxiety of her condition aside. I consciously realized that I had no control over how much longer we had together and I could either spend that time worrying or I could make the most of whatever time we had left. I don't know how I was able to do that but I was. From then on, I rarely worried about what the future would bring and just enjoyed our time together. I thank God I was able to do that because the memories of those last 2 years bring me incredible comfort.

I'm thankful that the worst part of her illness was so short-lived. My mom was such a high-energy and "embrace life" type of person. She would have been miserable hanging on for months or years in a condition that didn't allow her to experience life to the fullest. When she was rediagnosed I really believed that she had more time here on earth than she actually did. But I think she would rather have had 2 years where she felt great than 5 when she didn't feel good. And, because she only appeared sick for such a short period of time, the kids will remember her as an energtic and fun Nana instead of a sickly one.

I am thankful for all she got to experience in the 12 years that followed her initial bout with cancer. At that time, she still had a lot of "boxes to check". Though she never would have felt "done with life", she was much more at peace leaving us now, than she would have been 12 years ago. In those 12 years she got to retire, travel all over the world, renovate her house (twice!), plan my wedding with me, and experience nearly 7 years of being a grandmother. She left both Darren and me at very good and content places in our lives.

I am thankful for my 3 amazing children and my wonderful and wonderfully supportive husband...they all keep me smiling and laughing everyday. And for my family and friends who have lifted me up in so many ways. This experience has only proven how fortunate I am to have so many incredible people in my life.

All those things to be thankful for make me feel better and make the pain easier to deal with. Without them, this would be so much harder because I really do miss her like crazy.

Despite all that to be thankful for, Thanksgiving Day was very hard. I didn't expect it to be as hard as it was. We have always celebrated Thanksgiving Day with Bill's parents and very close friends of the Jeffries family, the Wagners. Since it wasn't a day we were used to being with my mom I had thought I would be "ok" and wasn't prepared for the rush of emotions that ensued. I was doing "ok" and then Becca got upset because she and Savannah didn’t have matching dresses to wear to Thanksgiving dinner. It never crossed my mind to get them special outfits to wear but they had always had them in the past because my mom always bought them matching dresses for Thanksgiving and Christmas. There’s no doubt I’ll remember that for next year! As Bill said, you can prepare for the times that you know will be hard, but so frequently it's the unexpected waves that are the hardest to deal with. I think what I realized is that even though I hadn't been with my mom on Thanksgiving Day for several years, I always had a feeling of peace and contentment on that day and was able to enjoy celebrating our blessings with wonderful people. Though the people are still wonderful and the blessing are still here, the loss of my mom has temporarily has taken away those feelings of peace and contentment that usually allow me to appreciate everything around me to the fullest.

The Christmas season punctuates that even more. The first time I heard Christmas music it cut like a knife, but I've heard it enough by now that it feels ok. We are all (my dad and Darren included) going down to a family resort called Great Wolf Lodge near Williamsburg for Christmas. It would be far too painful to be here for the first Christmas.

I still think about my mom constantly. Other than when I'm sleeping I don't think I've gone more than maybe 5 or 10 minutes without thinking about her. But the thoughts are only sad now and again...certainly not all the time. The hardest part continues to be thinking about what the kids have lost. They are doing fine; carrying on and seem only mildly affected. And they will be fine without my mom. In some ways it's a blessing that they are unaware of the magnitude of their loss. It's just hard for me not to think about how much she could have continued to add to their lives as they grow and I know their memories of her will not be as clear as I would have wanted.

Darren is doing pretty well but I think my dad continues to have a very difficult time. Unlike Darren and I, who can go forth with our current lives, my dad has to reinvent a whole new life for himself. We are spending a lot of time with him. He is wonderful with the kids and they really do seem to make him lighter. Darren has rented out his house and moved in with my dad and Bill, who has a virtual office, works there several hours a week. My dad babysits for me frequently too. I feel so lucky that we live close by and can spend a lot of time together. He still works some and is also taking up some new hobbies. I am hopeful he will find happiness with the passage of time.

The Becky Parsons Memorial Library project is coming along. The checks have been pouring in (thank you so much to everyone!!) and after the holidays we will be soliciting design ideas from local artists/designers for the space. I'll continue to give updates and post pictures when it is complete.

My mom was always so excited and enthusiastic about everything in our lives. It's a void impossible to fill and we are learning how to live without it. But I'm surprising myself at my ability to do just that and still be happy.

Becky Parsons Memorial Library Fund

For those who have asked, we have met with the school about the memorial library fund in my mom's honor. It will be created at Virginia Run Elementary where my mom's bookfair business, Bookwise, did bookfairs and where all three of her grandchildren will attend elementary school. Specifics are being finalized but the general plan is for the money to be used to create a reading nook in the library dedicated to my mom that features the Newberry and Caldecott award winning books in the theme of "Where the Wild Things Are" by Maurice Sendak. This book was one of my mom's favorite children's book and would be a great inspiration for a fun, creative space for kids to read in. The money will also be used for the library to purchase additional Newberry and Caldecott books that will have a book plate in the front indicating that they were purchased with funds from the Becky Parsons Memorial Library Fund. Choosing high quality books to sell at the bookfair was the cornerstone of Bookwise and the part of the business she enjoyed the most. She always had a wide selection of the Newberry and Caldecott books as they represent "the best in children's literature" which was the slogan for her business.

In lieu of flowers, if you would like to make a tax deductible contribution in my mom's honor you can write a check payable to Virginia Run Elementary and send it to me. I will be working directly with the school on the project.

Amy Jeffries
15152 Stillfield Pl.
Centreville VA 20120

Alternatively, contributions can be made to the Susan G Komen Breast Cancer Foundation:

Susan G. Komen for the Cure
5005 LBJ Freeway
Suite 250
Dallas, TX 75244

So many people have already reached out to us in so many ways so please do not feel obligated to contribute. I am just posting this information here since so many people have asked.

We have finalized the plans for the memorial service. It will begin at 2 pm on Sunday November 16th in the Atruim at Meadowlark Gardens. However, we will have a gathering time before the service starting at 1 pm and a reception there afterwards. Please feel free to come for any and all of the afternoon. We realize the gathering time before the service is somewhat "non-traditional". The caterers will be there serving wine and beer and light snacks. My mom was very specific that she wanted this time before the service...in her words: "I don't want it to be a stiff occasion. I want people to come, have a drink, and relax before the service." She knew it was too much to ask for us to make it a party, but she definitely wants people to enjoy themselves and celebrate the wonderful life she felt so very fortunate to have lived.

Meadowlark Gardens in located at 9750 Meadowlark Gardens Court, Vienna, Virginia. Here is the link to the website for directions, etc. http://www.nvrpa.org/parks/meadowlark/

There are several hotels at nearby Tysons Corner. Here are a few:

Courtyard By Marriot
DoubleTree at Tysons Corner
Comfort Inn
Sheraton Premiere at Tysons Corner

I hope this helps. Please let me know if you need any more specific information.

Since several people are still asking we wanted to update you on the status of the information on a charity in my mom's honor. We are exploring the children's books idea and have come up with a tentative plan but haven't gotten any details finalized.

For those of you who didn't know my mom, she had a long history with book fairs and a lifelong passion of reading/books and specifically children's literature. She started, owned and ran a book fair business called Bookwise for 20 years that did the book fairs in 20-30 of the Fairfax County public elementary schools, including Virginia Run (our neighborhood elementary school). Her passion for quality children's literature was the basis of her business and she chose each title she sold with painstaking precision to create a selection of books that represented the best in children's literature.

To honor my mom we are hoping to setup some sort of library memorial fund for her at Virginia Run Elementary where all 3 of her grandchildren (her other passion in life!) will attend elementary school and maybe even at the other Fairfax County schools where she did book fairs.

I am in contact with the librarian at Virginia Run (Catherine Conley) who I've worked with on the book fair committee and she is happy to help in any way to fulfill our wishes of memorializing my mom. Ironically, she was familiar with Bookwise book fairs from when her children attended a local Catholic school and she volunteered at the fair. The more amazing thing is that the librarian she worked with at this school was one of my mom's very favorite librarians and probably the only name in that realm that I would have recognized. It's amazing how much we are all connected without ever really knowing.

In any case, I'll keep you updated.

The memorial service will be on Sunday November 16th in the afternoon. We'll post more information as it comes together.

Many people have asked if there is a charity we have chosen for donations in my mom's honor. We are working on putting something together in support of children's books. We hope to have the details soon and I will post the information here.

Mom passed away this morning at 3:45am. She died peacefully in her sleep at home.

We will be planning a memorial service at Meadowlark Gardens sometime in the next month or two. We will post the information here once we know the day and time.

Peace.

Wednesday October 15 8:30pm
Mom came home today. The trip went smoothly and she is settled in. It’s so much more peaceful at home than at the hospital. She is set up in the sunroom adjacent to the kitchen at my parent’s house. It’s a really nice room with a beautiful view of my parent’s back yard and lots of light. She has a morphine patch and has seemed very comfortable all day...just sleeping peacefully. The live-in nurse met us at the hospital to accompany her home and seems really nice. We also met with the Hospice nurse and got a better idea of what to expect as the time draws near.

Bill is taking the girls up to Deep Creek Lake in Maryland for the next 4 days for the annual fall trip with his family. It’ll be good for the girls to be distracted by their cousins. Having me away so much has been really tough on Becca. Savannah is somewhat insulated from everything going on because she is in school all day and I’ve tried to be home in the mornings and evenings as much as possible. Becca, on the other hand, has been bounced around to so many people the past couple weeks. The lack of routine and normalcy is taking its toll. She’s normally very easy, smiley and agreeable but has seemed sad and angry the past several days. I know she’ll bounce back once I’m more available to her but it’s hard to see her like that when I know it’s a direct result of my absence. But I also know that I’m doing what I have to right now, as much for myself, as for Mom.

I'll be staying at my parent's house until they return on Sunday. Darren, my Dad and my Aunt Shirley (mom's sister) are also there. After that I'll have Becca with me over there during the day so hopefully I can fill up her "Mommy tank" pretty quickly.

Right now, the girls do not know that their Nana will not recover. So far we’ve just told them that she is very sick. If Mom makes it through the weekend we plan on telling them after they return what is likely to happen. I have no idea what to expect from them when they hear the news. Mom has been a part of their daily lives as long as they’ve been alive. She injected so much love, fun, attention, generosity and “carefreeness” into their lives. The loss will be significant but kids also process things in such unusual ways so I don’t know how they will react initially and then subsequently in the upcoming months.

I’m doing ok. At times I’m overcome with sadness and despair and at other times I feel ok. I’ve heard this is normal and a cycle that will continue for awhile. Luckily, when I’m home with the kids I’m distracted enough to hold it together most of the time. But at night, after they go to bed, the waves seem to hit me. Bill is wonderful…so comforting, wise, loving, and real. His ability to allow me to grieve but also lift me up with just the right words and insights is amazing. This would be a thousand times harder without him. I am very lucky. I know I'll be ok in the long run and I also made sure Mom knew this when she was still lucid.

Monday Oct. 13 6pm
Not much new to report. Up until today Mom was still drinking sips of water and we were able to get her to swallow medicine. She's no longer able to do this. We are also starting her on a 24 hour pain patch. We'd been holding off on this and giving the pain medicine as needed in hopes that it would better enable us to gauge if the radiation was improving her condition, which it doesn't appear to be. Since it is difficult for us to tell when she is experiencing pain we felt that the 24 hour pain patch would keep her pain free without us having to guess. We still plan on bringing her home wednesday. Thank you again for all of the wonderful support. We know there are far more people than just us hurting right now. We wish we could lift you up in the same ways you are lifting us.

Sunday, Oct. 12 9am
Unfortunately yesterday was not a good day. Mom appeared to be very uncomfortable and we couldn’t figure out what was causing her pain. Eventually they were able to give her enough pain medication that she settled down and slept. Prior to that she was awake for awhile but didn’t seem to know what was going on. It’s painful to see her like that.

We also talked to the doctor at length. This is going to be very difficult for those who know and love Mom to hear. There is very little chance that we will be able to pursue any other treatment after Wednesday. Her health has declined so much that unless she makes a dramatic turnaround, there is no point in doing chemotherapy as it will only prolong her suffering. She hasn’t eaten anything more than a bite or two since she entered the hospital. She is so weak, confused, and in pain. The worst part about cancer in the brain is that you lose the essence of the person before you lose the body. For good and bad, her soul is no longer with the body.

Once we bring her home she will no longer be on an IV for hydration. The doctor told us that studies have shown that you do not need hydration for comfort. It will probably be only a matter of weeks before we lose her altogether, but in many ways she is already gone. As I mentioned in a previous posting, we are only getting brief glimpses of her as it is now and those are likely to get fewer and further between.

Right now my Mom bears little resemblance to the vibrant and beautiful woman that we all know. I’m even putting up pictures of her above her bed so the doctors and nurses can see who she really is because the person lying in the bed is not her. Many people have expressed an interest in coming to see her. We will leave it up to you, but you may want to remember her how you’ve always known her -- without your last image of her being the person who is lying in the bed. And unfortunately at this point, she is not likely to be lucid enough to know you are there. All that said, we leave the decision up to you as the chance to say goodbye is very important to some.

We are still in shock and disbelief at how quickly she went downhill. Her sharp decline started 2 weeks ago today. Never in a million years would I have guessed we’d be at this point right now. I hope it will give you comfort in knowing that Mom knew she was going to die soon and is very much at peace. The first couple of days after she entered the hospital we had long talks. She reveled at how wonderful her life has been. She had not a single regret and talked about all the joy she was able to experience. When I said how unfair all this was her response was “Amy, Life isn’t fair, but you just make the best of it.” And that is how Mom lived her whole life. I believe that her attitude was also the reason she was always the happiest and most positive person I’ve ever known.

Through all of the low moments in our life, no matter how painful, Mom always said, “This too shall pass.” I think we all need to believe that now.

Oct. 10 12:30pm
Mom had a good morning. She was the most responsive I’ve seen her for about a week. Bill and I took the kids to the fall festival yesterday afternoon for some much needed distraction and family time. I was telling mom about all the things we did at the festival and she was smiling and commenting on some of the stuff I was telling her. We are holding on to these precious moments when we get glimpses of the “real her”.

We had a scare last night. She was gurgling and stopped breathing. The ICU team rushed in and took over. We aren’t quite sure if she was unable to clear her throat from the sedation of the pain meds, or if the amount of morphine she had was too much, or even possibly a seizure caused by the cancer. In any case, she recovered.

If you have specific questions, feel free to email them to me and I will try and answer them in this format because others may be wanting to know the same thing.

We’ve had a lot of visitors. Several members of my mom’s family were here last weekend and many members of my dad’s family will be here this weekend as well as some close friends of my mom who live out of town. Many local friends have expressed and interest in coming to see her at the hospital. With so many people in town this weekend we are asking that you wait until we get her home and settled.

My dad, Darren, and I are holding up ok. Last week was incredibly emotional but I think we are somewhat numb by this point and are just doing what needs to be done. One of us needs to be here with her around the clock so we’ve been taking shifts. On a couple rare occasions we’ve left her with another family member who is familiar with the signs that she is developing a headache. She has a couple of friends who are oncology nurses who are each taking one night to stay with her and we feel comfortable with that given their expertise. The logistics of all of this will be easier once she is at home, and as of now, it is still looking like that will happen on wed. We still need to talk to the doctor once the radiation is complete to make absolutely sure there aren’t any other treatment options that make sense at this point.

Jack (my 4 month old baby) has been at the hospital with me the whole time. At times it’s been a challenge to meet both his and my mom’s needs at the same time, esp. when I am there alone. However, having him there with us has been a HUGE blessing. His smile and innocence are such a bright light in this darkness. Even this morning, I put him on my lap while I sat on the bed with mom. She reached out to him and said “Hi cutie” and he held on to her finger. Surely a memory that will stay with me forever.

October 9-I've created this blog so that people can get updates on my mom. So many people want to know how she is doing and it's been impossible for my Dad, Darren and me to keep everyone up to date. We are sorry if we haven't been able to return your phone call or email. We are so appreciative of the outpouring of support for us and the love for my mom. Thank you so much...it means the world to all of us during this excruciating time.

She is still on the radiation treatment and will continue that until next wed. Unfortunately she has shown very little improvement since the treatment started. She no longer appears to have the nausea but still is not eating anything. She has very brief periods (seconds at a time) where she is able to respond to us. She sleeps most of the time but when she is awake she seems to recognize people. She is having very painful headaches that come and go a few times a day and is on heavy pain medications around the clock and then gets shots of morphine when the headaches come on.

As of now, the plan is to bring her home on wed. after the radiation treatment is complete. We'll have a live-in nurse with us and my mom will also be under Hospice care.