Dear Mom,
Today it’s been a year since I lost you. I so badly want to talk to you just one more time and tell you how much I love and miss you; tell you about all I’ve learned about life over the past year; tell you about the kids and our life. The kids are so great mom. You would be so proud of them. Savannnah is so beautiful, smart, kind, confident…she loves life and wants to do everything. She comes home from school so excited about what she did that day. She loves learning, her teacher, her friends. She’s a beautiful dancer. She seeks out my affection now and loves to snuggle and tell me about what is going on in her head. She is slipping through my fingers so fast. I want to hold on to her innocence, excitement, and curiosity. She’s just amazing mom.

Becca is just like you mom…so beautiful, warm, affectionate, and generous. But she has my sensitivity and is easily affected by others moods and subtle actions. She loves school and her teacher and I’m so thankful for that. It’s been a hard year for her. She’s lost so much: you, Bama, Anni moving to Texas, Savannah going to school all day, Jack replacing her status as baby of the family. She gets upset a lot…I know there is so much swirling in her head and I know she feels like her world is out of control. I only have so much time and energy and I never feel like she is getting enough…Bill and I are trying so hard to make her feel special. I know if you were here you’d swoop in and make her feel so special and warm and take her on special outings and shower her with attention and love to temper all the loss. I know she is struggling trying to make sense of it all and I worry that she will carry all this loss with her forever. It’s not fair she has to go through this and it makes me want to cry and hold her and tell her how special she is.

Savannah and Becca are so bonded to each other and are wonderful best friends. I’m so happy they have each other. They play such intricate and imaginative games together for hours. Becca worships Savannah and is constantly telling me about nice things she want to do for Savannah. No matter what Becca and I do together, Savannah is never far from her thoughts. Becca dreams about you and tells me about her dreams. Every time she sees a picture of you she has to tell whoever she is with about you. She misses you terribly mom.

Jack is such an amazing miracle. He is so good-natured, smiley, affectionate. He makes me laugh and fills me with joy everyday. He laughs and giggles all the time and revels in the attention from the girls. He is so attached to Bill and runs to him with a huge smile when he comes home. Bill is such a sucker for him and can’t ever refuse Jack’s plea to be picked up. He babbles “Daddy, Daddy, Daddy” all the time. He also loves Dad and repeats “Bop Bop” anytime he hears me talking to the girls about PopPop and happily goes to Dad’s arms whenever he sees him. He makes Dad smile and gives him a respite from his sadness. Jack has been our angel…such a blessing through this darkness.

Watching the kids all interact together is pure joy. Savannah and Becca are so great with Jack and take such delight in him. Becca is so kind, and sweet with him, and loves to play games with him. Savannah is so proud to carry him around and take care of him. I’m in awe over how very lucky we are to have all 3 of them. You would be too mom. I know how much you loved them.

I’m doing ok Mom. Some days I feel great and others so sad. But I am proud of how I’ve persevered. I never thought I could enjoy my life without you to share it with. You were such a great companion to me. Being with you and knowing you loved and accepted the kids like I did was so great. We had such a good time being together and watching the kids grow. I miss our everyday time together. I miss calling you 3 times a day (or more) to tell you about the tiniest thoughts I had. I miss your wisdom. But you know, Dad has been really great. He helps me when I need advice and has been a great source of wisdom as well. You’d be so proud of how he has carried on. It’s been a rough road for all of us but dad is really trying. He’s hosted several house guests with the same graciousness and warmth that you used to. He’s planned activities and meals and executed them great. You taught him a lot that he’s really carried forth. He’s been so amazing to us. He helps me out all the time and is so great with the kids. He makes up stories that the girls LOVE and can’t wait to hear. He captures their attention and has them riveted the whole time full of anticipation of what will happen next. It’s amazing to watch.

Darren is really happy. You would be so proud of how he was able to leave the rat race and take advantage of so many great things in life. He still works hard but he spends a lot of time travelling, getting together with friends, playing sports, and all the things he enjoys. He’s amazing with the kids and Savannah and Becca love to play with him. He makes up games and runs around with them with the energy and creativity that only an awesome uncle has. He’s going to be a great dad someday and I want to share the love, fun, warmth and generosity to his kids that you gave to mine.

Mom, I’ve learned so much about life and loss on this journey. I am stronger and have the confidence that I can handle what seems the insurmountable, but I don’t want to have to. This is so hard and I love and miss you so much. Thank you for all you gave me in life…I know how lucky I am to have been given the gift of you and dad as parents…so very, very lucky. I love you.

Library Dedication

We will be dedicating the Becky Parsons Memorial Reading Nook on Thursday, October 8 at 7pm in the Virginia Run Elementary School library. The event is going to be a family story night for the school. We’ll do a short dedication as well and have refreshments. It is going to be very low-key but anyone is welcome to attend. If you are interested in coming, please let us know by September 30th. RSVP to amyjeffries@cox.net.

Update on the library project

The project is complete turned out wonderfully amazing. I'll post pictures some time soon. We had originally thought we were going to do the dedication tomorrow (9/11) to coincide with the school picnic but decided that it would be too chaotic. We are going to do a dedication probably one evening during the week sometime in late Sept. or Oct. More details to follow.

Becky Parsons Memorial Library Project

Just wanted to update everyone on the project:

The idea was to create a reading nook in the school library to shelve the complete collection of Newberry and Caldecott award winning books. The space the library gave us is very large...sort of like a mini-amphitheather that the kids all sit in to hear stories read by the librarian when they have their weekly library time.

I met with several designers over the winter and received 3 proposals. All of them were so exceptionl, creative and amazing. We ended up choosing based on the experience of one of the designers. The space is going to highlight scenes and characters from the most popular and widely recognized Newberry and Caldecott books. The artist/designer has been working for several months on the mural, props, furniture, rugs, etc. and keeping me in the loop on all the decisions. The mural is being painted on canvas that will be applied to the wall and I have seen several sections of it. The librarian has ordered all the books. I think the end result is going to be incredible.

It's looking like we are going to dedicate the space at the school family picnic on September 11 and then also have a separate time for friends and family to come by and see it. At the dedication I will say some words about my mom and Savannah, Becca, and Savannah's classmates are going to sing. I'll post pictures of the finished space as well. I hope everyone can come by and see it as I really think it will blow you away.

Thanks again for the many generous donations. The reading nook is going to be so meaningful for us, especially Savannah, Becca, and Jack who are so very proud to show everyone what a special Nana they had.

Happy Birthday 67th birthday Mom...I don't think it was a coincidence that your birthday fell on Mother's Day this year...you were always super mom and deserved a day of double celebration. You sent us the most beautiful weather and your spirit was with us. The girls talked about their favorite memories of you and what they loved most about you. We made pancakes for breakfast and I let the girls dip their fruit in whip cream just like you used to let them do. And they had chocolate milk too since that was always a special treat reserved for outings with you and PopPop. Thanks again for everything mom. We love you so much...your spirit is so very vibrant and strong and is with us always.
Love,
Amy

It's been 6 months today...

Dear Mom,
It was a beautiful day...65 degrees and the sky was a cloudless and bright Carolina blue. It was just the type of day that you would have called me up and asked "Can I take the girls to the playground?" and you would have come and picked them up and returned a couple hours later with wind blown hair from going down the slide with them. They would have walked in giggling telling me that you pretended to be the troll under the bridge trying to get them when they ran across.

Becca and I walked to the playground today with Jack in the stroller. We stopped several times along the way to pick up treasures and put them in the "secret plant box" (the accessory box on the stroller). Thank you for showing me how to savor these moments. Thank you for reminding what is important in life and how to focus on that. Thank you for teaching me how to love my children. Thank you for giving me the strength to be positive about the future. Thank you for showing me how to be happy regardless of the circumstances.

I miss you more than words can say. The last 6 months have felt like an eternity. Everyday I think about the way you lived your life. We are doing all the fun things you would have wanted us to do and making the most of this precious life you gave us. I get sad at times but overall I am happy. Mom, it's your spirit that is giving me this light. I love you.

Love,
Amy

I’m beginning to learn that grief is far more than sadness from a loss. Many people probably already know that, certainly those who have lost someone close to them. But, since this is by far the hardest transition I’ve ever had to deal with in life, this has come as a surprise to me. I’ve been sad, discombobulated, tired, edgy, distracted, and vacant. At times it’s just one of those things and more frequently it’s a few of them, and sometimes all of them. For me the grief is a beast that keeps changing and morphing and I never know what to expect. I feel so out of balance and flakey. I’m losing things, forgetting things, running late, and disorganized. And those who know me well know that being disorganized is not something I usually struggle with. It’s driving me crazy. The way our minds process the grief is so crazy. Some days I wake up in a heavy blanket of sadness and can’t shake the despair, but others times I feel ok. I have no idea what triggers either one and the up and down is exhausting, but I am thankful for the ups.

The holidays were easier than I expected. The Great Wolf Lodge is amazing and the kids couldn’t have been happier or more excited about being there. I had a nagging feeling the whole time that it wasn’t where we should be. We should have been at my parent’s house with the table decorated to the hilt and my mom pulling the filet mignon out of the oven asking Darren if his was well-done enough and Bill if his was rare enough. We should have just opened way too many presents. We should have been passing around a plate of 20 different kinds of Christmas cookies to eat with our Cheerwine sundaes. But we weren’t and it was better to be at the Great Wolf Lodge than home this year. I also thought so much about how much my mom would have loved to see the kid’s excitement over being there. The place has so much to do and so many fun things. Savannah had to write a speech for her 1st grade class about her favorite place and she chose the Great Wolf Lodge. Despite those sad feelings, it was the best thing we could have done this year and I’m thankful for that. I heard my mom’s voice in my head the entire time I was there saying “Amy, you make the best of it.” I know how fortunate we are that we can do special things like that with the kids and “listening” to my mom’s voice helped me appreciate the place and the experience.

To be honest though, I’m having a pretty hard time these days…far more so than I was initially. I think I was so busy the first few months with planning the service, the holidays, and trying to catch up with life that it was easier to forget the reality. But now that life has settled down I’m feeling incredibly lonely. Despite having a wonderful husband, dad, brother, and many friends and extended family, no relationship can make up for what I had with my mom. She was my constant companion, always available to hang out with me or chat about nothing. I love being home with the kids but the days can be long and having my mom with me to break up the monotony with a last minute visit or just a phone conversation was so great and I’m missing it so much now...esp. with it being wintertime and harder to get out. Sometimes I’m fine and others just a puddle of sadness. I know I’ll be happy in the long run and in some ways I want to speed up time to get through it but I also know how precious this time is, esp. with Jack’s babyhood slipping away that I don’t want to wish away the time. The kids are so much fun right now and I want to soak them in as much as I can.

Darren was out at Lake Tahoe skiing with my cousin Karl and had a bad accident. The binding on his ski failed on an expert slope and he lost control and slammed into a tree going very fast. He was very banged up but thank God he was wearing a helmet and didn’t have any permanent damage. It could have been so much worse but it did side line him for a few weeks…not an easy thing to cope with for a guy who lives for his next active endeavor. During this time we all need to focus on the things that make us feel alive and excited about the day, and for Darren, that is playing sports. Sitting around recovering from the accident was not what he needed right now but he is gaining more mobility each day and should be back to his normal routine soon.

My dad is up and down. We spend the night with him every Saturday. The girls love the spoiling they get from PopPop (and the Lucky Charms cereal he gets them for breakfast!) My mom had also bought a Wii a few months before she died for the girls so they get to play that over there. My dad and I have gone on a lot of Sunday morning hikes. He carries Jack in the backpack and listens to Jack’s gleeful babbles as we walk. I’ve enjoyed the time to be with him and I think these things help but it’s is still a rough road. He is by nature an introvert so being alone isn’t too hard on him. I think he’s having a harder time feeling like there are things he “should” do but doesn’t feel like doing. My opinion is that there are no “shoulds” in this situation…you do what you can to get through the day.

Twenty or more times a day I encounter reminders of our loss, all of which open the door for the grief to swallow me up…a story I’m reading the girls that talks about a little girl spending the weekend with her grandmother...a woman at the mall who looks about my age and is there with her mom and her kids…Becca’s precious enthusiasm talking about her first dance recital coming up in June that my mom would loved to have watched. Twenty times a day I have a decision to make; do I allow the grief to overtake me and pour out (as it must on occasion) or do I think about the many wonderful sleepovers the girls had with my mom or the fun outings my mom and I did with the kids or the excitement my mom had watching Savannah at her dance recitals?

I’m trying my best to follow my mom’s example. I realize I have just one life to live and wallowing in sadness and grief isn’t the way I want to spend it.