Dear Mom,
I had a dream about you the other night. Dad, Darren and I met you for lunch. In the dream we were able to see you and tell you about our lives but you weren't able to participate in our lives. You couldn't see the kids...only hear about them. I asked you if dad had told you about his new puppy, Chipper, and I started to tell you how cute he was and how much fun the kids were having with him, and you started to cry. We held each other and cried and cried. We were both so sad about everything we were missing out on....you, being able to participate in our lives, and me, the comfort and warmth of having you here to guide me. The dream couldn't have reflected my true emotions more accurately.
But mom, I am feeling much better these days. I am just now realizing how depressed I was that first year. I had always thought depression meant that you were crying all the time and unable to get out of bed and function, and that was not me. But, until recently I didn't realize how truly numb I was for so long. I had been unable to really live...I was just going through the motions in a fog, a vacant state. For the first time since you died and I am feeling a spark again. I am excited about the different activities and projects I have going on for the kids and myself. I can wake up and plan fun things to do for the family and feel a sense of excitement and anticipation...it feels good to have that feeling again.
Christmas was better than expected, though admittedly my expectations were pretty low. First Christmas at home without you...but it was ok. Dad and Darren came over. We had your famous eggs benedict for breakfast. Bill cooked an amazing Christmas dinner. Santa brought a trampoline and we watched the movie A Christmas Story. We left the next day and went to a little resort on the Chesapeake Bay for a night that was great. I think it's a Christmas tradition we can build on...never the same but something that I can handle. As the kids get older and I have more time, we can expand and add some of your details that made it extra special.
We spent the blizzard at your house with Dad. The kids couldn't have been more excited...sledding, playing in the snow, Chipper getting lost in the piles of snow. Good times...I imagined you sledding down the hill with the kids, or sitting in your chair in the sunroom with a cup of tea watching them and laughing and talking about how much fun it was to see them out there.
I never, ever thought I could reconcile their lost time with you...the idea of them growing up without you was so painful for me for so long. But it's amazing how your mind can come to accept the reality of situation that is out of your control. I still wish so badly they could grow up with you as a daily part of their lives, but as each month passes the pain of that reality is replaced with acceptance. An acceptance that has allowed me to realize they will have wonderful childhoods filled with a lot of happiness that you have given them indirectly.
Thanks Mom.
I love you,
Amy
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Friday, October 16, 2009
Dear Mom,
Today it’s been a year since I lost you. I so badly want to talk to you just one more time and tell you how much I love and miss you; tell you about all I’ve learned about life over the past year; tell you about the kids and our life. The kids are so great mom. You would be so proud of them. Savannnah is so beautiful, smart, kind, confident…she loves life and wants to do everything. She comes home from school so excited about what she did that day. She loves learning, her teacher, her friends. She’s a beautiful dancer. She seeks out my affection now and loves to snuggle and tell me about what is going on in her head. She is slipping through my fingers so fast. I want to hold on to her innocence, excitement, and curiosity. She’s just amazing mom.
Becca is just like you mom…so beautiful, warm, affectionate, and generous. But she has my sensitivity and is easily affected by others moods and subtle actions. She loves school and her teacher and I’m so thankful for that. It’s been a hard year for her. She’s lost so much: you, Bama, Anni moving to Texas, Savannah going to school all day, Jack replacing her status as baby of the family. She gets upset a lot…I know there is so much swirling in her head and I know she feels like her world is out of control. I only have so much time and energy and I never feel like she is getting enough…Bill and I are trying so hard to make her feel special. I know if you were here you’d swoop in and make her feel so special and warm and take her on special outings and shower her with attention and love to temper all the loss. I know she is struggling trying to make sense of it all and I worry that she will carry all this loss with her forever. It’s not fair she has to go through this and it makes me want to cry and hold her and tell her how special she is.
Savannah and Becca are so bonded to each other and are wonderful best friends. I’m so happy they have each other. They play such intricate and imaginative games together for hours. Becca worships Savannah and is constantly telling me about nice things she want to do for Savannah. No matter what Becca and I do together, Savannah is never far from her thoughts. Becca dreams about you and tells me about her dreams. Every time she sees a picture of you she has to tell whoever she is with about you. She misses you terribly mom.
Jack is such an amazing miracle. He is so good-natured, smiley, affectionate. He makes me laugh and fills me with joy everyday. He laughs and giggles all the time and revels in the attention from the girls. He is so attached to Bill and runs to him with a huge smile when he comes home. Bill is such a sucker for him and can’t ever refuse Jack’s plea to be picked up. He babbles “Daddy, Daddy, Daddy” all the time. He also loves Dad and repeats “Bop Bop” anytime he hears me talking to the girls about PopPop and happily goes to Dad’s arms whenever he sees him. He makes Dad smile and gives him a respite from his sadness. Jack has been our angel…such a blessing through this darkness.
Watching the kids all interact together is pure joy. Savannah and Becca are so great with Jack and take such delight in him. Becca is so kind, and sweet with him, and loves to play games with him. Savannah is so proud to carry him around and take care of him. I’m in awe over how very lucky we are to have all 3 of them. You would be too mom. I know how much you loved them.
I’m doing ok Mom. Some days I feel great and others so sad. But I am proud of how I’ve persevered. I never thought I could enjoy my life without you to share it with. You were such a great companion to me. Being with you and knowing you loved and accepted the kids like I did was so great. We had such a good time being together and watching the kids grow. I miss our everyday time together. I miss calling you 3 times a day (or more) to tell you about the tiniest thoughts I had. I miss your wisdom. But you know, Dad has been really great. He helps me when I need advice and has been a great source of wisdom as well. You’d be so proud of how he has carried on. It’s been a rough road for all of us but dad is really trying. He’s hosted several house guests with the same graciousness and warmth that you used to. He’s planned activities and meals and executed them great. You taught him a lot that he’s really carried forth. He’s been so amazing to us. He helps me out all the time and is so great with the kids. He makes up stories that the girls LOVE and can’t wait to hear. He captures their attention and has them riveted the whole time full of anticipation of what will happen next. It’s amazing to watch.
Darren is really happy. You would be so proud of how he was able to leave the rat race and take advantage of so many great things in life. He still works hard but he spends a lot of time travelling, getting together with friends, playing sports, and all the things he enjoys. He’s amazing with the kids and Savannah and Becca love to play with him. He makes up games and runs around with them with the energy and creativity that only an awesome uncle has. He’s going to be a great dad someday and I want to share the love, fun, warmth and generosity to his kids that you gave to mine.
Mom, I’ve learned so much about life and loss on this journey. I am stronger and have the confidence that I can handle what seems the insurmountable, but I don’t want to have to. This is so hard and I love and miss you so much. Thank you for all you gave me in life…I know how lucky I am to have been given the gift of you and dad as parents…so very, very lucky. I love you.
Today it’s been a year since I lost you. I so badly want to talk to you just one more time and tell you how much I love and miss you; tell you about all I’ve learned about life over the past year; tell you about the kids and our life. The kids are so great mom. You would be so proud of them. Savannnah is so beautiful, smart, kind, confident…she loves life and wants to do everything. She comes home from school so excited about what she did that day. She loves learning, her teacher, her friends. She’s a beautiful dancer. She seeks out my affection now and loves to snuggle and tell me about what is going on in her head. She is slipping through my fingers so fast. I want to hold on to her innocence, excitement, and curiosity. She’s just amazing mom.
Becca is just like you mom…so beautiful, warm, affectionate, and generous. But she has my sensitivity and is easily affected by others moods and subtle actions. She loves school and her teacher and I’m so thankful for that. It’s been a hard year for her. She’s lost so much: you, Bama, Anni moving to Texas, Savannah going to school all day, Jack replacing her status as baby of the family. She gets upset a lot…I know there is so much swirling in her head and I know she feels like her world is out of control. I only have so much time and energy and I never feel like she is getting enough…Bill and I are trying so hard to make her feel special. I know if you were here you’d swoop in and make her feel so special and warm and take her on special outings and shower her with attention and love to temper all the loss. I know she is struggling trying to make sense of it all and I worry that she will carry all this loss with her forever. It’s not fair she has to go through this and it makes me want to cry and hold her and tell her how special she is.
Savannah and Becca are so bonded to each other and are wonderful best friends. I’m so happy they have each other. They play such intricate and imaginative games together for hours. Becca worships Savannah and is constantly telling me about nice things she want to do for Savannah. No matter what Becca and I do together, Savannah is never far from her thoughts. Becca dreams about you and tells me about her dreams. Every time she sees a picture of you she has to tell whoever she is with about you. She misses you terribly mom.
Jack is such an amazing miracle. He is so good-natured, smiley, affectionate. He makes me laugh and fills me with joy everyday. He laughs and giggles all the time and revels in the attention from the girls. He is so attached to Bill and runs to him with a huge smile when he comes home. Bill is such a sucker for him and can’t ever refuse Jack’s plea to be picked up. He babbles “Daddy, Daddy, Daddy” all the time. He also loves Dad and repeats “Bop Bop” anytime he hears me talking to the girls about PopPop and happily goes to Dad’s arms whenever he sees him. He makes Dad smile and gives him a respite from his sadness. Jack has been our angel…such a blessing through this darkness.
Watching the kids all interact together is pure joy. Savannah and Becca are so great with Jack and take such delight in him. Becca is so kind, and sweet with him, and loves to play games with him. Savannah is so proud to carry him around and take care of him. I’m in awe over how very lucky we are to have all 3 of them. You would be too mom. I know how much you loved them.
I’m doing ok Mom. Some days I feel great and others so sad. But I am proud of how I’ve persevered. I never thought I could enjoy my life without you to share it with. You were such a great companion to me. Being with you and knowing you loved and accepted the kids like I did was so great. We had such a good time being together and watching the kids grow. I miss our everyday time together. I miss calling you 3 times a day (or more) to tell you about the tiniest thoughts I had. I miss your wisdom. But you know, Dad has been really great. He helps me when I need advice and has been a great source of wisdom as well. You’d be so proud of how he has carried on. It’s been a rough road for all of us but dad is really trying. He’s hosted several house guests with the same graciousness and warmth that you used to. He’s planned activities and meals and executed them great. You taught him a lot that he’s really carried forth. He’s been so amazing to us. He helps me out all the time and is so great with the kids. He makes up stories that the girls LOVE and can’t wait to hear. He captures their attention and has them riveted the whole time full of anticipation of what will happen next. It’s amazing to watch.
Darren is really happy. You would be so proud of how he was able to leave the rat race and take advantage of so many great things in life. He still works hard but he spends a lot of time travelling, getting together with friends, playing sports, and all the things he enjoys. He’s amazing with the kids and Savannah and Becca love to play with him. He makes up games and runs around with them with the energy and creativity that only an awesome uncle has. He’s going to be a great dad someday and I want to share the love, fun, warmth and generosity to his kids that you gave to mine.
Mom, I’ve learned so much about life and loss on this journey. I am stronger and have the confidence that I can handle what seems the insurmountable, but I don’t want to have to. This is so hard and I love and miss you so much. Thank you for all you gave me in life…I know how lucky I am to have been given the gift of you and dad as parents…so very, very lucky. I love you.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Library Dedication
We will be dedicating the Becky Parsons Memorial Reading Nook on Thursday, October 8 at 7pm in the Virginia Run Elementary School library. The event is going to be a family story night for the school. We’ll do a short dedication as well and have refreshments. It is going to be very low-key but anyone is welcome to attend. If you are interested in coming, please let us know by September 30th. RSVP to amyjeffries@cox.net.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Update on the library project
The project is complete turned out wonderfully amazing. I'll post pictures some time soon. We had originally thought we were going to do the dedication tomorrow (9/11) to coincide with the school picnic but decided that it would be too chaotic. We are going to do a dedication probably one evening during the week sometime in late Sept. or Oct. More details to follow.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Becky Parsons Memorial Library Project
Just wanted to update everyone on the project:
The idea was to create a reading nook in the school library to shelve the complete collection of Newberry and Caldecott award winning books. The space the library gave us is very large...sort of like a mini-amphitheather that the kids all sit in to hear stories read by the librarian when they have their weekly library time.
I met with several designers over the winter and received 3 proposals. All of them were so exceptionl, creative and amazing. We ended up choosing based on the experience of one of the designers. The space is going to highlight scenes and characters from the most popular and widely recognized Newberry and Caldecott books. The artist/designer has been working for several months on the mural, props, furniture, rugs, etc. and keeping me in the loop on all the decisions. The mural is being painted on canvas that will be applied to the wall and I have seen several sections of it. The librarian has ordered all the books. I think the end result is going to be incredible.
It's looking like we are going to dedicate the space at the school family picnic on September 11 and then also have a separate time for friends and family to come by and see it. At the dedication I will say some words about my mom and Savannah, Becca, and Savannah's classmates are going to sing. I'll post pictures of the finished space as well. I hope everyone can come by and see it as I really think it will blow you away.
Thanks again for the many generous donations. The reading nook is going to be so meaningful for us, especially Savannah, Becca, and Jack who are so very proud to show everyone what a special Nana they had.
The idea was to create a reading nook in the school library to shelve the complete collection of Newberry and Caldecott award winning books. The space the library gave us is very large...sort of like a mini-amphitheather that the kids all sit in to hear stories read by the librarian when they have their weekly library time.
I met with several designers over the winter and received 3 proposals. All of them were so exceptionl, creative and amazing. We ended up choosing based on the experience of one of the designers. The space is going to highlight scenes and characters from the most popular and widely recognized Newberry and Caldecott books. The artist/designer has been working for several months on the mural, props, furniture, rugs, etc. and keeping me in the loop on all the decisions. The mural is being painted on canvas that will be applied to the wall and I have seen several sections of it. The librarian has ordered all the books. I think the end result is going to be incredible.
It's looking like we are going to dedicate the space at the school family picnic on September 11 and then also have a separate time for friends and family to come by and see it. At the dedication I will say some words about my mom and Savannah, Becca, and Savannah's classmates are going to sing. I'll post pictures of the finished space as well. I hope everyone can come by and see it as I really think it will blow you away.
Thanks again for the many generous donations. The reading nook is going to be so meaningful for us, especially Savannah, Becca, and Jack who are so very proud to show everyone what a special Nana they had.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Happy Birthday 67th birthday Mom...I don't think it was a coincidence that your birthday fell on Mother's Day this year...you were always super mom and deserved a day of double celebration. You sent us the most beautiful weather and your spirit was with us. The girls talked about their favorite memories of you and what they loved most about you. We made pancakes for breakfast and I let the girls dip their fruit in whip cream just like you used to let them do. And they had chocolate milk too since that was always a special treat reserved for outings with you and PopPop. Thanks again for everything mom. We love you so much...your spirit is so very vibrant and strong and is with us always.
Love,
Amy
Love,
Amy
Thursday, April 16, 2009
It's been 6 months today...
Dear Mom,
It was a beautiful day...65 degrees and the sky was a cloudless and bright Carolina blue. It was just the type of day that you would have called me up and asked "Can I take the girls to the playground?" and you would have come and picked them up and returned a couple hours later with wind blown hair from going down the slide with them. They would have walked in giggling telling me that you pretended to be the troll under the bridge trying to get them when they ran across.
Becca and I walked to the playground today with Jack in the stroller. We stopped several times along the way to pick up treasures and put them in the "secret plant box" (the accessory box on the stroller). Thank you for showing me how to savor these moments. Thank you for reminding what is important in life and how to focus on that. Thank you for teaching me how to love my children. Thank you for giving me the strength to be positive about the future. Thank you for showing me how to be happy regardless of the circumstances.
I miss you more than words can say. The last 6 months have felt like an eternity. Everyday I think about the way you lived your life. We are doing all the fun things you would have wanted us to do and making the most of this precious life you gave us. I get sad at times but overall I am happy. Mom, it's your spirit that is giving me this light. I love you.
Love,
Amy
Dear Mom,
It was a beautiful day...65 degrees and the sky was a cloudless and bright Carolina blue. It was just the type of day that you would have called me up and asked "Can I take the girls to the playground?" and you would have come and picked them up and returned a couple hours later with wind blown hair from going down the slide with them. They would have walked in giggling telling me that you pretended to be the troll under the bridge trying to get them when they ran across.
Becca and I walked to the playground today with Jack in the stroller. We stopped several times along the way to pick up treasures and put them in the "secret plant box" (the accessory box on the stroller). Thank you for showing me how to savor these moments. Thank you for reminding what is important in life and how to focus on that. Thank you for teaching me how to love my children. Thank you for giving me the strength to be positive about the future. Thank you for showing me how to be happy regardless of the circumstances.
I miss you more than words can say. The last 6 months have felt like an eternity. Everyday I think about the way you lived your life. We are doing all the fun things you would have wanted us to do and making the most of this precious life you gave us. I get sad at times but overall I am happy. Mom, it's your spirit that is giving me this light. I love you.
Love,
Amy
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