Dear Mom,
Today it’s been a year since I lost you. I so badly want to talk to you just one more time and tell you how much I love and miss you; tell you about all I’ve learned about life over the past year; tell you about the kids and our life. The kids are so great mom. You would be so proud of them. Savannnah is so beautiful, smart, kind, confident…she loves life and wants to do everything. She comes home from school so excited about what she did that day. She loves learning, her teacher, her friends. She’s a beautiful dancer. She seeks out my affection now and loves to snuggle and tell me about what is going on in her head. She is slipping through my fingers so fast. I want to hold on to her innocence, excitement, and curiosity. She’s just amazing mom.

Becca is just like you mom…so beautiful, warm, affectionate, and generous. But she has my sensitivity and is easily affected by others moods and subtle actions. She loves school and her teacher and I’m so thankful for that. It’s been a hard year for her. She’s lost so much: you, Bama, Anni moving to Texas, Savannah going to school all day, Jack replacing her status as baby of the family. She gets upset a lot…I know there is so much swirling in her head and I know she feels like her world is out of control. I only have so much time and energy and I never feel like she is getting enough…Bill and I are trying so hard to make her feel special. I know if you were here you’d swoop in and make her feel so special and warm and take her on special outings and shower her with attention and love to temper all the loss. I know she is struggling trying to make sense of it all and I worry that she will carry all this loss with her forever. It’s not fair she has to go through this and it makes me want to cry and hold her and tell her how special she is.

Savannah and Becca are so bonded to each other and are wonderful best friends. I’m so happy they have each other. They play such intricate and imaginative games together for hours. Becca worships Savannah and is constantly telling me about nice things she want to do for Savannah. No matter what Becca and I do together, Savannah is never far from her thoughts. Becca dreams about you and tells me about her dreams. Every time she sees a picture of you she has to tell whoever she is with about you. She misses you terribly mom.

Jack is such an amazing miracle. He is so good-natured, smiley, affectionate. He makes me laugh and fills me with joy everyday. He laughs and giggles all the time and revels in the attention from the girls. He is so attached to Bill and runs to him with a huge smile when he comes home. Bill is such a sucker for him and can’t ever refuse Jack’s plea to be picked up. He babbles “Daddy, Daddy, Daddy” all the time. He also loves Dad and repeats “Bop Bop” anytime he hears me talking to the girls about PopPop and happily goes to Dad’s arms whenever he sees him. He makes Dad smile and gives him a respite from his sadness. Jack has been our angel…such a blessing through this darkness.

Watching the kids all interact together is pure joy. Savannah and Becca are so great with Jack and take such delight in him. Becca is so kind, and sweet with him, and loves to play games with him. Savannah is so proud to carry him around and take care of him. I’m in awe over how very lucky we are to have all 3 of them. You would be too mom. I know how much you loved them.

I’m doing ok Mom. Some days I feel great and others so sad. But I am proud of how I’ve persevered. I never thought I could enjoy my life without you to share it with. You were such a great companion to me. Being with you and knowing you loved and accepted the kids like I did was so great. We had such a good time being together and watching the kids grow. I miss our everyday time together. I miss calling you 3 times a day (or more) to tell you about the tiniest thoughts I had. I miss your wisdom. But you know, Dad has been really great. He helps me when I need advice and has been a great source of wisdom as well. You’d be so proud of how he has carried on. It’s been a rough road for all of us but dad is really trying. He’s hosted several house guests with the same graciousness and warmth that you used to. He’s planned activities and meals and executed them great. You taught him a lot that he’s really carried forth. He’s been so amazing to us. He helps me out all the time and is so great with the kids. He makes up stories that the girls LOVE and can’t wait to hear. He captures their attention and has them riveted the whole time full of anticipation of what will happen next. It’s amazing to watch.

Darren is really happy. You would be so proud of how he was able to leave the rat race and take advantage of so many great things in life. He still works hard but he spends a lot of time travelling, getting together with friends, playing sports, and all the things he enjoys. He’s amazing with the kids and Savannah and Becca love to play with him. He makes up games and runs around with them with the energy and creativity that only an awesome uncle has. He’s going to be a great dad someday and I want to share the love, fun, warmth and generosity to his kids that you gave to mine.

Mom, I’ve learned so much about life and loss on this journey. I am stronger and have the confidence that I can handle what seems the insurmountable, but I don’t want to have to. This is so hard and I love and miss you so much. Thank you for all you gave me in life…I know how lucky I am to have been given the gift of you and dad as parents…so very, very lucky. I love you.