It's been almost 2 months now since my mom died. And, just as those who have lost someone close to them told me, it is getting easier. Overall, I've been far more "functional" than I expected to be. When my mom's cancer first came back, and I found out her condition would eventually be terminal, I envisioned myself to be complelety incapacited by the grief of losing her. But it hasn't been like that at all. I have some very sad times, but I'm not sad overall. In fact, I'm happy much of the time.

There is so much to be thankful for.

First and foremost I'm thankful to have had the relationship I had with her. The mother-daughter relationship can be so complex, which in turn can make grieving complex as well. But, my relationship with my mom wasn't complex...it was simple. Despite our obvious personality differences (she was much more laid back than me and never as punctual as I would have liked!) we got along so well. She was always so good to me, I loved being with her, and I loved having her as my best friend. I have no regrets and she didn't either. And I also know how unique that is and how lucky I was to have that relationship with her.

I'm thankful that she felt so good for the first 2 years following her rediganosis. We always had fun together, but especially those 2 years. From the big things (trips to the beach, Disney World, Disney Cruise, last minute trip to Florida, etc.) to the small things (having lunch together, going to shows with the kids, etc.) we squeezed out every second we could and made the most of it. A couple months after her redignosis in 2006, I was able to put the anxiety of her condition aside. I consciously realized that I had no control over how much longer we had together and I could either spend that time worrying or I could make the most of whatever time we had left. I don't know how I was able to do that but I was. From then on, I rarely worried about what the future would bring and just enjoyed our time together. I thank God I was able to do that because the memories of those last 2 years bring me incredible comfort.

I'm thankful that the worst part of her illness was so short-lived. My mom was such a high-energy and "embrace life" type of person. She would have been miserable hanging on for months or years in a condition that didn't allow her to experience life to the fullest. When she was rediagnosed I really believed that she had more time here on earth than she actually did. But I think she would rather have had 2 years where she felt great than 5 when she didn't feel good. And, because she only appeared sick for such a short period of time, the kids will remember her as an energtic and fun Nana instead of a sickly one.

I am thankful for all she got to experience in the 12 years that followed her initial bout with cancer. At that time, she still had a lot of "boxes to check". Though she never would have felt "done with life", she was much more at peace leaving us now, than she would have been 12 years ago. In those 12 years she got to retire, travel all over the world, renovate her house (twice!), plan my wedding with me, and experience nearly 7 years of being a grandmother. She left both Darren and me at very good and content places in our lives.

I am thankful for my 3 amazing children and my wonderful and wonderfully supportive husband...they all keep me smiling and laughing everyday. And for my family and friends who have lifted me up in so many ways. This experience has only proven how fortunate I am to have so many incredible people in my life.

All those things to be thankful for make me feel better and make the pain easier to deal with. Without them, this would be so much harder because I really do miss her like crazy.

Despite all that to be thankful for, Thanksgiving Day was very hard. I didn't expect it to be as hard as it was. We have always celebrated Thanksgiving Day with Bill's parents and very close friends of the Jeffries family, the Wagners. Since it wasn't a day we were used to being with my mom I had thought I would be "ok" and wasn't prepared for the rush of emotions that ensued. I was doing "ok" and then Becca got upset because she and Savannah didn’t have matching dresses to wear to Thanksgiving dinner. It never crossed my mind to get them special outfits to wear but they had always had them in the past because my mom always bought them matching dresses for Thanksgiving and Christmas. There’s no doubt I’ll remember that for next year! As Bill said, you can prepare for the times that you know will be hard, but so frequently it's the unexpected waves that are the hardest to deal with. I think what I realized is that even though I hadn't been with my mom on Thanksgiving Day for several years, I always had a feeling of peace and contentment on that day and was able to enjoy celebrating our blessings with wonderful people. Though the people are still wonderful and the blessing are still here, the loss of my mom has temporarily has taken away those feelings of peace and contentment that usually allow me to appreciate everything around me to the fullest.

The Christmas season punctuates that even more. The first time I heard Christmas music it cut like a knife, but I've heard it enough by now that it feels ok. We are all (my dad and Darren included) going down to a family resort called Great Wolf Lodge near Williamsburg for Christmas. It would be far too painful to be here for the first Christmas.

I still think about my mom constantly. Other than when I'm sleeping I don't think I've gone more than maybe 5 or 10 minutes without thinking about her. But the thoughts are only sad now and again...certainly not all the time. The hardest part continues to be thinking about what the kids have lost. They are doing fine; carrying on and seem only mildly affected. And they will be fine without my mom. In some ways it's a blessing that they are unaware of the magnitude of their loss. It's just hard for me not to think about how much she could have continued to add to their lives as they grow and I know their memories of her will not be as clear as I would have wanted.

Darren is doing pretty well but I think my dad continues to have a very difficult time. Unlike Darren and I, who can go forth with our current lives, my dad has to reinvent a whole new life for himself. We are spending a lot of time with him. He is wonderful with the kids and they really do seem to make him lighter. Darren has rented out his house and moved in with my dad and Bill, who has a virtual office, works there several hours a week. My dad babysits for me frequently too. I feel so lucky that we live close by and can spend a lot of time together. He still works some and is also taking up some new hobbies. I am hopeful he will find happiness with the passage of time.

The Becky Parsons Memorial Library project is coming along. The checks have been pouring in (thank you so much to everyone!!) and after the holidays we will be soliciting design ideas from local artists/designers for the space. I'll continue to give updates and post pictures when it is complete.

My mom was always so excited and enthusiastic about everything in our lives. It's a void impossible to fill and we are learning how to live without it. But I'm surprising myself at my ability to do just that and still be happy.